As a former pastor, I am sorry.

I humbly apologize for where I sometimes put my own name and organization before Jesus. And, in my leadership, I am sorry where I inserted too many of my own interpretations and expectations (unknowingly)—sometimes adding extra-biblical “shoulds” to the words of Christ.

I am also very sorry on behalf of many evangelical organizations and “rockstar” pastors who continue to exploit others to put their own name in lights (either knowingly or unknowingly). And finally, I’m deeply sorry for the ministers who put their hope in fog machines, trendy-business books, or fleshly hype to advance the Kingdom.

What has the Church become?

“We now demand glamour and fast flowing dramatic action. A generation of Christians reared among push buttons and automatic machines is impatient of slower and less direct methods of reaching their goals. We have been trying to apply machine-age methods to our relations with God.” —A.W. Tozer

Tozer penned these words decades ago in his book The Pursuit of God. Today, many “machine-age" pastors could be characterized as fame-hungry, ego-centric, impersonal, and too fast-paced to go after the “one lost sheep.” And countless churches have adopted: unrealistic business growth strategies, manipulative marketing practices, and skewed theologies to push organizational agendas. Worst of all, many leaders have resorted to the subtle (or significant) acts of bullying, shaming, coercion, exploitation, elitism, and control to get it all done “for Jesus"—and to get it done bigger and faster. 

The time has come for me to speak—no more silence. 

This post is for all of us, (and we are many) who have suffered great pain from these forms of spiritual abuse. In the words of Richard Rohr, we pray for God to transform our pain, so that it will not be transmitted to others (as to make matters worse). And to clarify: talking about our pain is not bitterness. When you tell the doctor about your symptoms and how they got there—it doesn’t make you a bad patient, it makes you an honest one. 

So here’s to being both honest and honoring: we are bruised, sad, angry, confused, depressed, and empty. We are tired of being shamed, judged, disregarded, and avoided. The spiritual abuse must stop; no more.  

Some leaders have completely out-run Jesus.

Many pastors believe they must continually take things to the “next level” to compete with the church across the street or uphold grandiose goals they have set for their particular brand of church. Numerous ministers in this environment are on the brink of burnout. There is obsessive talk over future “breakthroughs” and “revivals”—almost like a religious tower of Babel is being built in our very own backyard to make a name for someone other than Jesus. The fleshly striving and straining is building the Bride (the church) further away from the Cornerstone (Jesus himself). Marriages, families, and friendships (the true ‘relational’ bricks of the Kingdom) are set aside and overlooked, with strategy and growth often emphasized. The fallout is vast, with exceedingly more on the way, unless drastic changes are made.

Relationships have crumbled, and our wounds hide in the unseen places of the heart. 

It could be in the loving, gentle, and protective hands of church leadership, where spiritual abuse is called out, taught against, as well as, policies and accountability structures put in place to protect the sheep. Instead, a lot of times pushy, harsh, and arrogant leadership is celebrated. And many times it’s even grown and perpetuated—like the church has become a toxic green house where bruised sheep are threatened to remain.

In his book, Healing Spiritual Abuse, Ken Blue writes: "If leaders constantly root their authority in an office rather than in servanthood, if they do everything for show, if they demand special privilege or titles, if they use words deceitfully, if they major on minors to the neglect of real pastoral needs, and if this behavior tears people down rather than build them up, then such leaders must be confronted and changed—or abandoned” (p. 99). 

What is spiritual abuse?

Spiritual abuse is real—and it is wrong, no more excuses. It is a form of psychological and emotional abuse that creates an avalanche of relational dysfunction. Over time individuals may feel: controlled or brainwashed from “group-think,” develop people-pleasing behaviors, experience toxic co-dependency or extreme ministry burnout, or undergo life-changing turmoil in their primary relationships. Johnson and VanVonderen (1991) discuss spiritual abuse as “a real phenomenon that actually happens in the body of Christ” and that “it is a subtle trap in which the ones who perpetrate spiritual abuse on others are just as trapped in their unhealthy beliefs and actions as those whom they, knowingly or unknowingly, abuse” (p. 16).

Other symptoms may include serious mental health concerns like: severe depression, anxiety, panic attacks, or suicidal ideation (the list goes on). Many report small ’t’ trauma-like symptoms, and feel unsure of their faith; they are hoping to know a God of kindness who doesn’t mistreat them or whip them into shape. Childers (2012) notes that “experiences of spiritual abuse appear to resemble most closely those of violent domestic relationships” and that in both situations the expressions of abuse “tend to include verbal abuse, emotional abuse, isolation, control and thought reform” (p. 37). And the devastation is significant to our self-identity, closest relationships, and even our personal faith in God.

Furthermore, David Ward (2011) notes that: “Spiritual abuse is a misuse of power in a spiritual context whereby spiritual authority is distorted to the detriment of those under its leadership. It is a multifaceted and multilayered experience that includes acts of commission and omission, aimed at producing conformity. It is both process and event, influencing one’s inner and outer worlds and has the potential to affect the biological, psychological, social, and spiritual domains of the individual” (p. 913).

What does it really look like?

A few concrete examples may include: a leader who “prays their own agenda” over members during prayer times—suggesting that the individual stay faithful in the ministry to “work harder and serve longer.” (I hear God telling me that you’ll have a big small group one day if you just stay faithful). In many instances these “prophetic words” are interpreted as “words or pictures from God,” and may significantly hinder the individual’s ability to separate their own thoughts, emotions, and decisions from what their leader is telling them. 

Some spiritually abusive leaders may subtlety encourage chronically ill individuals to “just trust God” and not seek medical help, or to give “above and beyond” financially so they can “receive a blessing.”  Others may suggest that certain professions are “more holy” than others—suggesting that ministry or church-planting is a “higher” calling than other vocations.

How is it different than other forms of abuse?

What makes spiritual abuse unique, is that it can put people at odds with their best Friend (God). When church leaders who represent Jesus, inflict harm, exploit, or manipulate others under their care, it becomes difficult to separate the dirty and the clean laundry (so to speak). Individuals might ask, “What’s real? What is God really like? Is God a dictator? Is Jesus manipulative? Will he take advantage of me?” The uncertainty can be overwhelming and the doubt exhausting.  

The injured sheep may carry “distorted pictures of God and self, have difficulty trusting those in authority, and experience problems understanding and accepting grace”—furthermore, “they have had so much pressure to not talk about their experience, they feel alone, even crazy” (Johnson & VanVonderen, 1991, p. 40).

The misuse of spiritual authority is age-old; the abuse is nothing new.

“Jesus himself collided with the problem” (Johnson & VanVonderen, 1991, p. 29). In Scripture, Christ alluded to the way the Pharisees mistreated people during biblical times saying, “They tie up heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on people's shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to move them with their finger” (Matthew 23:4).  

Jesus made things simple; he fulfilled the law with his life and his message was to love God wholeheartedly and love your neighbor as you love your self. His ministry was clean, gentle, loving, and humble. He never manipulated, forced, exploited, or controlled his sheep. He was truthful, yet full of grace; when Jesus confronted the Pharisees it was often about their legalism, pride, or hypocrisy.

Ezeikel 34 has something to say about Israel’s so-called ‘shepherds’ who were hurting God’s people: “Ah, shepherds of Israel who have been feeding yourselves! Should not shepherds feed the sheep? You eat the fat, you clothe yourselves with the wool, you slaughter the fat ones, but you do not feed the sheep. The weak you have not strengthened, the sick you have not healed, the injured you have not bound up, the strayed you have not brought back, the lost you have not sought, and with force and harshness you have ruled them. So they were scattered…”

There is so much pain—we want to heal.

For those of us who have been hurt by a church group, a religious leader, a small group leader, a friend, or maybe a parent in the “name of God”—it takes a long time to trust again. We are confused about what to do and where to go. And many times our relationship with God is so significantly damaged, (that when we finally wake up to the abusive culture all around us) we may need months or years to reclaim our faith. We are praying for the shepherds to humble themselves and sober up to the hidden addictions of pride and arrogance.

The disciple-making of Jesus was full of meekness and love; he is the Good Shepherd. The scattered sheep are looking for that kind of approachable, safe leadership reflected in the pulpit. 1 Peter 5:2-3 exhorts church leaders in a powerful way: “shepherd the flock of God that is among you, exercising oversight, not under compulsion, but willingly, as God would have you; not for shameful gain, but eagerly; not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock.”

In the meantime, we pray for restoration. Many of us have wept over these hurts and broken relationships—and, we continue to deeply hope for wholeness and healing on the journey. 

May we all learn from Jesus. He is the safest one.