Dear Romeo and Juliet,
Is there sweet love in the air? Or maybe the foul stench of a recent fight?
Whatever the atmosphere of your relationship, if you need a fresh Valentine’s Day date (and a more romantic year for that matter)—here are some important ingredients that can spice up your night together.
A good date needs friendship and romance.
If you lack one or the other, things can become unbalanced—like adding too much salt or pepper. Companionship is foundational. Focus on the friendship-ingredient first. Your significant other has the need for fun, laughter, and connection.
You may like similar things (that’s great), but learn to expand your menu. In the midst of trying different flavors, you can enjoy a deeper bond with your partner.
Does your Valentine like a certain kind of music, restaurant, or drink? Maybe it’s the outdoors or a particular sport; it could be shopping, a puzzle, or a movie. Think about what makes them come alive, and incorporate their unique world into your date.
Relationships can be like the weather—complex and mysterious.
For the dating couple, it’s more than kissing on the couch. And for the married ones, it’s more than another dinner and a movie at home. First, each individual is responsible for developing safety and trust in the relationship.
Can I trust you to treat me as an equal? Is it safe to share my opinions and interests? Will you validate my thoughts, emotions, and longings—even if we disagree? Learn to say, “That makes sense” or “I hear you saying that you’re tired, afraid, or sad—what do you need right now?”
When deeper levels of safety and trust exist between two people—then, vulnerability and intimacy can grow over time. (Fair communication, healthy conflict resolution, as well as sacrifice and compromise go a long way). Stir those things into the dough.
Getting to know your partner is an adventure.
Romance requires an investment; learn more about who they are. And that can be a full time job, especially in the daily grind of marriage. Your partner is a galaxy worth exploring; behind all the stress, tears, smiles, and frowns there is still more to discover about them (even after years in a marriage).
Learn to ask, “What are you feeling right now?” Or “Is there anything you want me to understand about your world?” Take a risk and ask a question—or tell a story.
John Gottman, researcher and relationship expert, talks about building “love maps”—where couples can develop deeper fondness and admiration for one another. What’s important to them? What are their dreams? Who are the people and places closest to their heart? For a fun love map exercise to print and take with you on your date, click this link and look for the blue bookmark.
Husbands and wives, pay attention to the accelerators and brakes.
Here we go—bad breath is a brake, and a kind word is an accelerator. Notice the nuances of your partner’s preferences. The little things add up. What worked last year, might be old news. (Preferences are different than being particular by the way).
A relationship drowns when only one person gets a voice. So, give some balance to the force and encourage each other to speak up about what you like and dislike.
On a deeper note for married couples:
We can each learn to courageously share our raw emotions. Are you angry, sad, afraid, lonely, or hurt? Emotional intimacy and verbal affirmation are important for romantic connection. As Dan Allender says, “be open, curious, and kind” in your conversations.
When you give your spouse your undivided attention and care, they will feel valued and appreciated—especially when our work, kids, or projects consume our time (most of the time).
We all have different accelerators and brakes when it comes to sex. It’s a brave endeavor to share what arouses you—or learn what your spouse desires in the bedroom. If you haven’t initiated in a while, you could lovingly initiate a tender kiss, a foot massage, or even risk together—and talk about the hanky-panky you’re each hoping for.
Here are some fresh ideas to stir up the passion and start a fire that lasts.
1. Men, affirm your lady’s beauty. (Go for inside & out attraction here, fellas).
2. Women, encourage your guy’s strengths. (It helps when you remind us—it’s easy to forget).
3. Try softer kisses and longer hugs. Slow things down or speed things up.
4. Honor the woman’s need for home and security.
5. Value the man’s need for adventure and novelty.
6. Read poetry together, listen to some Miles Davis, or hold hands in an art museum.
7. Have you looked into your partner’s eyes recently? (Open up your soul through eye contact).
Hope you have some amazing date nights in your near future!
Happy Valentine’s Day.
