What Does Love Look Like?

(6-7 minute read).

After work, I often take refuge in my truck. I throw my bag in the back seat, grab my sunglasses, and turn the radio on.

Classic rock reminds me of Dad tinkering around in the garage, fixing his truck or tractor, saving old toys, re-working baseball gloves. Like a surgeon at the tool bench, he delicately superglued all kinds of stuff back together. ZZ Top would play in the back ground.

My own three boys have seen Pops meticulously working on Nerf guns or balsa wood airplanes just to give them a few more rounds of fun. He’s a pediatrician, after all, and has been in the business of remedy for forty years. Broken bones, colds, and ingrown toenails are just part of his game. He restores things.

Recently, I heard an old anti-war song from the sixties. The familiar lyrics ring:

What the world needs now is love, sweet love.
It’s the only thing that there's just too little of.

What a simple lyric! If you slow down and really listen, the amount of suffering and relational pain in the world has been overwhelmingly loud, especially during both the COVID years and the Ukraine War. We are no doubt bombarded with troublesome news at every turn.

In my work as a marriage and family therapist, I’ve seen that families can be war-zones of infidelity, addiction, and divorce. The clanging voices of anti-love abound there also. Clients often share stories of abuse, betrayal, selfishness, or deceit. The innocent carry secret sorrows unseen. Many people confess church-hurt and spiritual abuse. These are invisible wounds that are too deep for words. Clients will ask questions like, “Will God hurt me, manipulate me, or shame me like my pastor did?” With all our pain, we long for someone to comfort us.

To live without hurt in this life is a fairytale. None of us can control when disappointment or tragedy will strike. We cannot persuade heartache to leave our lives, but we can control how we love.

What does love look like?

Preachers can preach, dating podcasts can drop, and very seasoned therapists can give clients research-based tools, but without the consistent hard work of genuine love between two people, true connection and comfort cannot happen. There is no love substitute. Love heals and restores. It touches us deeply in the cracks of our lives.

People know if we really love them or not. We can’t fake it.

Scripture tells us about God’s abounding love. The kind of love that Christ preaches in the gospels is unique. 1 John 4:19 reminds us that “we love because he first loved us”—and this love doesn’t keep score or make transactions. It both risks and guards. It is selfless, yet not completely devoid of self.

The way we love matters. While stories of pain and suffering are increasingly abundant, we each have an opportunity to love in small ways.

1. What does it look like to love myself?

Is it weird to start here?

To be clear, I’m not talking about self-worship—no. Definitely not. The difference is: worshiping self is putting your life, schedule, wants, and desires above everyone else’s—all the time. Loving oneself is about stewarding one’s life for the benefit of others and unto the Lord. For the Christian, it is paying attention to our strengths and weaknesses, remembering our bodies are sacred spaces for the Spirit of God.

We must rethink how to steward our time and energy. Some people need to slow down because they are overachievers, while others need to get off the couch and throw away the potato chips. There is a spectrum here. Wherever we land on the graph, there’s probably something to adjust.

The practice of “habit stacking” makes a good launching point for change. One small step at a time can bring our healthy goals to life. Take baths, listen to music, go on walks, bike with a friend, dust off an old hobby, or even treat yourself to a massage. A little bit of rest goes a long way. We can create healthy routines and rhythms that serve our own mental and emotional health. What is unnecessary or trivial? Just say no.

We should listen to the needs of our hearts and make small changes to our schedules. Ask yourself: do you need refreshment, or must you really attend this event? Is it a requirement, or have you over-committed yourself? Loving the self means creating enough margin in the calendar to have energy for the most important people in our lives.

We need to grow in understanding our own boundaries and limits. It may look like taking a day off, or simply avoiding work on the weekends. It could be developing good sleep hygiene, like going to bed earlier or getting off social media entirely to reallocate resources to real places. For myself, I’ve been away from Facebook for the last eighteen months. It has been a much-needed adjustment.

Self-compassion is rare. What does the person in the mirror need? Loving self is important work, and it is different than self-absorption. In loving the self, we can grow in humility and embrace a lifelong journey of transformation. Soul care is a huge part of what I’m talking about; it is more than rest on the weekends, it is a spiritual understanding of what we most need—God himself.

Christ encourages us to love God fully and also to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. This is a paradox, a revealed mystery. We may know how to fulfill a religious obligation out of duty or even faithfully serve in a ministry, yet there is a daily responsibility to prayerfully steward our callings, work, and rest.

We must dance to God’s heavenly rhythms while we pour out our lives as a deep sacrifice for the honor and care of others.

2. What does it look like to love someone else?

Here we must tap into our physical strength—digging into our inner resources: our time, skills, and most importantly our affection for others. The hardship we all endure is exhausting. Parenting is hard. Marriage is difficult. Dating is tiresome and the single life is tiresome for many. Grief and trauma are complex.

All of the relationships we have with friends and family require work. Relationships are not for the faint of heart. As with a garden, we must weed and plant them, water and prune them. It takes a lot of blood, sweat, and tears to have healthy relationships. Love is remembering the small ways someone else receives love.

Call a friend you’ve not seen in a while, and ask that person, “How are you, really?” Take a moment to engage with them directly, and schedule something together. You could buy a card, have a friend over for dinner, help with a project, or deliver a cup of coffee to someone.

Love especially looks like thoughtfulness with your ears.

Empathic listening is a significant tool we can use to love one another. It must be an active listening that responds with more than a head nod. That may sound like, “I don’t know what to say, but I’m with you in this,” or, “When I put myself in your shoes, that makes sense.” You could say, “Tell me more, I want to be a safe place for you to share.” To be ‘with’ someone is more helpful than ‘fixing’ them when they don’t want your advice.

Love also looks like listening with your eyes, your body language, and your heart.

In regards to our actions, we may need to take ownership of selfish, me-me-me schedules, or evaluate an addiction that drains the soul and steals intimacy in a relationship. Porn, wine, weed, work, or social media are sometimes the leeches that prevent us from enjoying deeper intimacy. Usually, growth is painful—we can take ownership of our part to play and not give up.

Marriages do well to use a language of love that says, “We make a good team!” “I’m thankful for you, darling,” or “How can I support you through this hard season?” In a recent therapy session, one spouse said with tears in his eyes, “I would not want to go through hard times with anyone else but you.” For example, husbands can serve and love their wives in new, creative ways, responsibly sharing chores and parenting duties. They can also communicate in more gentle, caring ways. Men would do well to provide plenty of validating non-sexual touch and plan romantic getaways and dates.

A timely kiss on the check, a hug, or an encouraging word matters. Try it.

Men can also learn to take their armor off and chance being known (miracles can happen). It's scary at first, but it’s always better than pretending. Emotional intimacy communicates, “You’re safe enough for connection. I trust you enough for my heart to come out of hiding.” One of my favorite authors, Dan Allender, encourages spouses to have openness, curiosity, and kindness with one another—fine ingredients in a marriage.

Also, a wife may need to remind herself of good things happening and decrease her critical voice. Gratitude can change those poop-colored glasses back to a more realistic view of your partner. This goes for husbands too. We must avoid negative filtering. For example, the blame game of ‘always/never’ language will destroy teamwork. After all, our spouses are human too. Women may need instead to encourage their husband’s efforts at parenting, job-searching, coaching, or finances. Furthermore, both men and women can learn to celebrate the differences of sexual intimacy needs. Oh, how different they are (a whole other topic)!

Lastly, we must evaluate our expectations and our preferences. Loving others looks like considering someone else’s likes or dislikes. Maybe eat at your spouse’s favorite place instead of your own. Turn the AC a little warmer or a little cooler. Where can you meet in the middle? Compromise is an essential ingredient in all of our relationships. What does a coworker need? What kind of book does your friend like? What games do your children like? How can you love your family with your hands and feet? Get off your ass and love someone intentionally!

There will always be tension. We are human. Our connection to one another is wonderful and difficult at the same time. We must hold our expectations loosely, and hold on to hope too. We can learn to support others, wait for them, and yield to one another. To quote Sheriff Hopper from Stranger Things, compromise means we will be “halfway happy” at times.

Connection and togetherness take effort! We weren’t meant to do this life alone. We need love.

The broken places in our lives may seem unfixable, but we can’t redeem something unless we boldly name what’s broken. The world we live in is a broken one. Things get moldy, torn, rusty, and frayed, and we must get our hands dirty, and engage our hearts, to mend them.

From a Christian worldview, there is hope in the darkest part of the night—Jesus is coming back to make all things new. He’s coming to restore things with his supernatural love. Our work of continual mending here may seem small, but our inner struggle to love, forgive, and reconcile can go a long, long way, like a dab of superglue on a model plane.

Ask yourself: “What does love look like today?” The world needs more love. Tinker around your life, and see what you can redeem.

Written by Jarrod Justice
Edited by Adam Whipple

Covid Fatigue? "Please, Help!"

Covid Fatigue? “Please, Help!”

2020 is almost over, but our exhaustion is not. 

I’m tired and weary. How about you? 

Unfortunately, there is no quick fix to the pandemic mayhem on the horizon. Most of us are crawling along—might I say dragging ourselves—in the December cold, toward a different kind of New Year.

We are all trying to stay “positive”—and at the same time, quite “negative” in terms of the virus testing. How do we battle this fatigue? Anne Lamott, in her book Traveling Mercies, shares two simple ways to pray; one is about our need, and the second is about gratitude.

We cannot bypass this time, we have to go through it—together. 

What if we listened closely to the human hearts all around us? These prayers are genuine cries for help. (Some of these lines are personal, and some represent statements I’ve heard from others in my office). Where are we asking for help?

1. “Help! Help! Help!” 

Help. I am just so, so, so tired of all this s**t! When will it all be normal again?!
Help. I feel weary of hoping for this nightmare to end—but I give up.
Help. I’m grieving the death of a loved one.
Help. I lost my job.

Help. I’m exhausted from the political debate. 
Help. I’m tired of being marginalized, overlooked, misunderstood, and unheard.
Help. I feel isolated and lonely. I miss my friends and family.
Help. My addiction is flaring up again, but I’m trying my best. I’m worn out from trying.

Help. My relationships are strained and I’m out of fuel to engage with them.
Help. I’m exhausted from Zoom meetings.
Help. I’ve got continual cravings for snacks and cookies—and I’m overweight.
Help. I’ve lost my sex drive. I’m ashamed.

Help. I can’t quit looking at porn.
Help. I’m in quarantine, again. I can’t see my best friend.
Help. I’m bored. I’m drowning in liquor.
Help. I’m stir crazy and burnt-out working from home.

Help. I’m more depressed, more drained, more down than ever.
Help. I’m panicked. I’m more anxious, stressed, and losing sleep—every night.
Help. I’m dealing with suicidal thoughts. I need a hug, but I can’t touch you.
Help. My marriage is failing. My family is crumbling under the pressure.

Help. I have immune deficiencies and I’m afraid of getting sick.
Help. I just can’t do virtual school any more.
Help. My face keeps breaking out with these damn masks!
Help. I can’t ask for help—because I don’t really trust anyone.

How can we be thankful with such dread all around us? 

There is a deep tension between the pain we feel and the peace we crave. Our need is great and yet, gratitude is an enduring gift in midst of suffering. During this season of persistent uncertainty, what if we spoke short fire-bursts of thankfulness for what we already have?

2. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

Thank you for a warm house.
Thank you for my pillow.
Thank you for FaceTime, so I can talk to my family.
Thank you for a microwaveable meal, and making breakfast for my kids, again.

Thank you for Smartwool socks, for beer.
Thank you for my raw emotions, that tell me something about myself and my relationships.
Thank you for the groaning tears of weeping, and for deep hope found in the morning.
Thank you for coffee. Lots of coffee.

Thank you for the sunshine that warms up a cold day.
Thank you for my friend who texted me.
Thank you for laughter and music. (Especially for Taylor Swift’s new album).
Thank you for smiles, warm fires outside, and longing for Newness beyond this life.

Thank you for sleep—even when it’s only a few hours.
Thank you, Jesus, for soul-level, heart-deep transformation when I yield to You.
Thank you, in advance, for authentic change, for maturity, and seasoned wisdom.
Thank you for peace. Thank you that I’ll see my friend again, someday.

Thank you for church, online.
Thank you for church, in-person. 
Thank you for the gathering of friends—it makes me alive.
Thank you for nurses, doctors, pastors, counselors, social-workers, and first responders.

Thank you for Christmas lights and funny Christmas movies.
Thank you for clean water to drink and tea. 
Thank you for teachers and books. (Especially Brennan Manning’s book Abba’s Child).
Thank you for my health. For eyes to see, hands to hold, and for Your warm, Everlasting Love.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Most weeks I run along the river. Sometimes I can barely whisper the word “help” under my breath. Even if we’re limping along, we are resilient with these kinds of petitions— our weariness is real, but it won’t always be this way.

Help, help, help.

Let God Love You

Not all my clients are Christians, but I hear from many about bad church experiences or spiritual abuse from church leadership. I wrote this in March of 2015—this post is for you.

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Discouraged. Weak. Tired. Bored. Numb.

Do any of those words describe your relationship with God? You can be honest. Go ahead try it. How are you really doing?

Sometimes I’m exhausted by life; my heart is cracked and dry, and I don’t feel like the great “Jesus-disciple” I want to be. So, what do I lack?

Many times I think, “I need to try harder! Maybe I should read my Bible more. Maybe I should pray a little louder—straining my voice with zeal. Or I could even worship more aggressively. Oh yeah, and I could really conquer some things in the Kingdom by committing to a few more ministry opportunities.”

Okay, timeout.

Those outward things are essential ingredients in your relationship with God, and we can discipline ourselves to meet with Him “in and out” of season. However, if you are truly tired or burnt out on the inside, merely doing more will not ultimately refresh you, rejuvenate you or make you more fruitful.

What if you let God love you first?

“We are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:37-39).

We are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. Real conquerors triumph by receiving God’s love first.We can get it backwards. When we try to accomplish Kingdom goals in our flesh so that God will love us we can quickly grow weary. But you are loved right now just as you are. 

Come and be with Him. Rest. Receive His love.

You can’t stop His wonderful love. You might even laugh out loud today because of God’s loving-kindness, or find yourself spending more time with Him because of His loyal love. And maybe the answer to your quiet time problems or that overwhelming personal struggle is to stop, take a deep breath, open your soul and let God love you.

Come and “know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God” (Ephesians 3:19). Come to Jesus just as you are. With all your victories, failures, boredom and exhaustion. Let your heart soak up His heaven-down love from the inside-out, like a lake welcomes water from a waterfall. When that nagging religious voice says, “Try harder!” respond to Abba’s invitation instead: “Dear child, let Me love you!” 

If you work on anything today, work first on positioning yourself to receive His love.

-Jarrod

Waves of Grief

I was punched in the gut by grief.

My friend died of a sudden heart attack last month. Nothing makes sense when you get a call like that. I was shocked. I gasped for breath with the phone in my hand—and the world seemed to spin under me. Time was blurry for hours. I felt confused. And then I woke up in a grey fog that lasted weeks.

He’s gone. The reality overwhelms me. Peter was like a father to me and so many others. It’s not fair. Why did such a good man have to die? I keep thinking: “We have more memories to make! I just want more time—another dinner together.” 

We had a small funeral, because of all the pandemic nonsense, and it was limited to only twelve folks. I sniffled and cried my way through the service. Unfortunately, “social distancing” restrictions were already in place, so we strangely embraced the space between us. Dozens showed up in their cars to honor their friend, and several made posters to share comforting words with the family near the graveside. It was a holy and solemn experience.

His death was nearly a month ago, and I still find myself irritable, angry, sad, and deeply rattled by the abrupt tragedy that stole our friend away. I hate death. I don’t understand. And it makes me ask a lot of questions. Why?!

And then—just as I was starting to heal. My phone rang again last Tuesday, and I was side-swiped by awful news again. Another friend had suddenly passed away. The river of grief turned into an ocean.

This time it was a hometown friend. I knew David throughout elementary school, high school, and college. A flood of memories took me under. We used to play baseball together. We stayed at camp together, we saw U2 in concert together, went to church together, and laughed a million times—together. How is he gone, too?

Grief comes in waves. Big and small.

As a Jesus-follower, and church-goer for most of my life—I’ve heard all the verses. I logically and rationally understand with my brain that eternity awaits us. I know I am supposed to cling to hope, (and I’m trying) but the sadness feels heavier right now. It feels black. I’m tired and worn down. Quarantine life has felt like a dream world too. Video sessions are exhausting, and I have tried (without success) to numb my pain. I’m eagerly awaiting a deeper breath.

As a therapist, grief arrives in my office without warning. When someone loses a loved one, it’s chaotic for a while. Every moment is different. There are tears and tissues, cuss words and crying. Old addictions pop up like weeds. And we experience: laughing, anxiety, deep sighs, depression, and the profound beauty of story-telling together.

Grief is messy like finger painting; we use every color of our emotional palette. The more honest and candid we are, the better. And that’s what I’m trying to do. Trying. To. Get. It. Out. 

It is violent. Grief grabs you like a rip tide. Sometimes we think we might drown. We frantically kick with our feet for solid ground—and hope for a small island. A beach with warm sand. Maybe there we’ll discover that His comfort and healing come in waves too. Through tears we’ll be washed, and finally we’ll kneel together on the land of His mercy. With courage, we’ll stand and smile at the sky again. 

Until then, we wait for the tides to change.

Real Connection Men's Group

“It is not the shouting of pornography that gives it so much power over men. It is the whispering of the lie of sexual fulfillment that prey on our human insecurities. When men believe those lies, they develop psychological and behavioral habits that prevent relational fulfillment.” (Struthers, 2009 p. 37) from his book Wired for Intimacy.

We all have sexual brokenness, and it can be challenging to find the right place to heal. Starting September 4th, I will co-facilitate a counseling group with John McGlothin, MA at Haven Family Psychiatry. Our group will meet on Wednesdays from 12 noon to 1:20 p.m. This is a professional therapy group for up to eight men who are dealing with pornography and/or sex addiction. We want to provide a safe place to dialogue about healthy sexuality, help restore broken relationships, and offer hope for each man's unique journey. 

For more details, click here.

Is Porn Really a Problem? Act out or Reach out.

Pornography.

Named the “new drug” by some, and deemed an old addiction by others—whatever you want to call it—porn is literally everywhere.

In August of 2015, research by the Barna Group indicated that more teens and young adults think that “not recycling” is worse than viewing porn. Shocking or not shocking?

Several months ago I was mowing, and I noticed a piece of paper on the edge of my yard. Thinking it was probably just a candy-bar wrapper, or simply an old receipt, I grabbed the litter, but to my surprise it was part of an X-rated DVD cover. 

It immediately went in the trash.

I was angry that these images had invaded my yard where my boys play tag and baseball. I’m glad they didn’t find it, that day. In the overtly sexualized culture we live in, they will eventually stumble upon it (if they haven’t already), and they too will have the choice to throw it away or not.

No one is perfect. We are all on an imperfect journey toward healthy sexuality.

I have my own brokenness in this area. I’ve really struggled at times. When the internet became readily available on our computers and phones, things changed for all of us. The monster has grown beyond magazines and the back isles of Blockbuster. Since the late nineties, internet porn has clawed at our ankles.

For me, it has taken intentional accountability, a porn-free environment at home, fortifying my electronic devices (being smart with my smart-phone), continual vulnerability, and the ointment of grace and truth from friends. Not to mention, encouragement and support from my wife.

I’m a wounded healer in this area.

Marriages are on a lifeline. Churches are in crisis. And the sexuality of a generation is being marred by porn—we’re glued to the images of false intimacy. Extra-marital affairs, sexting, and hidden sexual addictions are rampant—destroying relationships all around us.

As a therapist, I work with many men in my counseling office who struggle with their sexual behaviors when they’re hurting, lonely, or bored. And the fact that pornography is free, easy to access, and often a cellphone-secret—it has become an easy snare for a vast number of men (and women). 

Last year (the Fall of 2018) Dr. David Hall and I started our first Real Connection Men’s Group. For about seven months we met weekly with a few men in group therapy to address these issues. These men grew in their vulnerability, relationships, and sobriety. We didn’t obtain perfection at the end of it, but there was growth—and a fresh weekly commitment to not go at it alone. 

We learned that we had to reach out for a real connection to others—and our group mantra was “reach out or act out.”

The battle against porn is worth the fight.

Jarrod

This spring we are offering another Real Connection Men’s Group for up to 8 men. For more information visit: https://www.havenpsychiatry.com/real-connection-men-s-group.

Is Self-care Selfish? Balancing work, me, and all the rest.

Most of us are busy.

We work a lot.

Our alarm sounds, we pour the coffee, and then… 

We’re off—like a wild horse in the Kentucky Derby. And, for the foreseeable future, our calendar is an overstuffed suitcase we can’t get closed.

Why consider self-care?

The basic, universal responsibilities at home are: laundry, groceries, sleep, and dishes (wink-wink). And as if that didn’t take long enough…

There’s the brushing of teeth (flossing if we’re lucky), a date night (if we remember)—and not to mention, the ever-growing complexities of family, kids, friendships, work, church, school, marriage, extra-curricular activities, and committee meetings.

I don’t know about you, but at the end of the week, I’m wiped out.

In 2014, a national Gallup poll put the average American work week at 47 hours per week. That’s about 9 and 1/2 hours per day (with overtime adding up on the weekends through constant emails, texts, and calls—easily putting us over 50 hrs). 

For the sake of dreaming, what if we had an extra day on the weekends? We could call it Fun-day or My-day (with no work allowed)—where we could sleep in, spend more time with family, or enjoy an old hobby again. We can dream…

Is self-care selfish?

It can be a controversial question (especially among certain religious circles or companies, where people are encouraged to burn the candle at both ends and work unrealistic hours). 

But, the short answer is: “No! It is not!” Maybe it could be wrong, self-centered, and egotistical if you lived on a yacht year round—playing Candy Crush all day.

Good self-care (the kind I’m talking about) is not about indulging in laziness or luxury. It’s about learning healthy rhythms of work, rest, and refreshment. Obviously, a little extra grit in the office is necessary, and should not be abandoned. And serving others isn’t just for Mother Teresa, Jesus, or the eager social worker.

We can engage in significant tasks and still cultivate margin in our lives.

Ruth Haley Barton, author of Sacred Rhythms, admonishes us to know the difference between a good tired and a “dangerously tired.” And furthermore, she says, “As we learn to care for and honor our bodies as a spiritual practice, we begin to sense God’s goodness and presence in and through our bodies. We are energized for the spiritual journey and for service to others.” 

Our limitations are important to acknowledge. We need boundaries in our relationships, jobs, and schedules. What’s okay and what’s not? If we’re constantly sleepy, unmotivated, or feeling empty—we may need to tweak our bed-time routines, commitments, and good intentions.

Parker Palmer encourages us that, “Self-care is never a selfish act—it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others.”

Seriously ask yourself, “Where am I making time for me?”

For the majority of us, we’ve forgotten to put “me-time” in our schedules. Dr. Karyl McBride notes in her article on self-care that, “If we are filling our own emotional tanks with self-respect and loving care, we have much more to give to our families, friends, and the world in general.” 

How can we give more attention to our own wellbeing? The physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and relational aspects of our life matter. 

Here are few practical thoughts on self-care…

1. Get outside and do something tangible. Find a place that’s beautiful and peaceful—go there. Enjoy a hike, bike ride, or sit in the grass with your shoes off. Pick up a pen and write something or draw. Get some perspective by getting out—it can help you hit the reset button. 

2. Rest your mind from media. Try logging out of your social media accounts for a while. Scrolling can seem restful at the time, but not for the soul. Maybe explore screen time limitations on your computer or phone (teenagers need this, but adults can be compulsive too). TV moderation can be a good start for body-mind-soul rejuvenation. Novelist Anne Lamott reminds us that, “Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.”

3. Take time to feel your emotions. Give attention to your feelings. Let your heart breathe. Listen to music that will pluck your heart strings, or write a few *#^$%# words in your journal—let’s be honest, there can be a lot of horrific stuff inside of us that needs to get out. Scream in a pillow or cry on the back porch. (Look at my previous article about our emotional dashboard here).

4. Meditation and mindfulness. Wake up before the birds, and see the world come alive. Stay up late and gaze at the stars. Pick up a flower, a piece of bark, or a blade of grass and experience it slowly—let your senses notice all the small details. Read the Psalms (If you believe in Jesus—and remember how real and honest you’re allowed to be in his presence).

5. Get a massage, haircut, or pedicure. Relax your muscles. Find a new haircut. And for those of you who need a pedicure or manicure—put it in your schedule and enjoy.

6. Spend time with friends. Get a game night on the calendar. Laugh until you cry. Do something that will cultivate real connection in your life. Who ya gonna call?!

7. Take a day off. Your homework or the workplace can make it without you for a day. Seriously. Put in a request this week to NOT work. A “refreshed you” will probably work harder next week anyway. Cash it in—it will pay off.

Happy self-caring!

A Fresh Valentine's Date - Friendship and Romance

Dear Romeo and Juliet,

Is there sweet love in the air? Or maybe the foul stench of a recent fight? 

Whatever the atmosphere of your relationship, if you need a fresh Valentine’s Day date (and a more romantic year for that matter)—here are some important ingredients that can spice up your night together.

A good date needs friendship and romance. 

If you lack one or the other, things can become unbalanced—like adding too much salt or pepper. Companionship is foundational. Focus on the friendship-ingredient first. Your significant other has the need for fun, laughter, and connection. 

You may like similar things (that’s great), but learn to expand your menu. In the midst of trying different flavors, you can enjoy a deeper bond with your partner.

Does your Valentine like a certain kind of music, restaurant, or drink? Maybe it’s the outdoors or a particular sport; it could be shopping, a puzzle, or a movie. Think about what makes them come alive, and incorporate their unique world into your date.

Relationships can be like the weather—complex and mysterious.

For the dating couple, it’s more than kissing on the couch. And for the married ones, it’s more than another dinner and a movie at home. First, each individual is responsible for developing safety and trust in the relationship. 

Can I trust you to treat me as an equal? Is it safe to share my opinions and interests? Will you validate my thoughts, emotions, and longings—even if we disagree? Learn to say, “That makes sense” or “I hear you saying that you’re tired, afraid, or sad—what do you need right now?”

When deeper levels of safety and trust exist between two people—then, vulnerability and intimacy can grow over time. (Fair communication, healthy conflict resolution, as well as sacrifice and compromise go a long way). Stir those things into the dough.

Getting to know your partner is an adventure.

Romance requires an investment; learn more about who they are. And that can be a full time job, especially in the daily grind of marriage. Your partner is a galaxy worth exploring; behind all the stress, tears, smiles, and frowns there is still more to discover about them (even after years in a marriage). 

Learn to ask, “What are you feeling right now?” Or “Is there anything you want me to understand about your world?” Take a risk and ask a question—or tell a story.

John Gottman, researcher and relationship expert, talks about building “love maps”—where couples can develop deeper fondness and admiration for one another. What’s important to them? What are their dreams? Who are the people and places closest to their heart? For a fun love map exercise to print and take with you on your date, click this link and look for the blue bookmark.

Husbands and wives, pay attention to the accelerators and brakes.

Here we go—bad breath is a brake, and a kind word is an accelerator. Notice the nuances of your partner’s preferences. The little things add up. What worked last year, might be old news. (Preferences are different than being particular by the way).

A relationship drowns when only one person gets a voice. So, give some balance to the force and encourage each other to speak up about what you like and dislike.

On a deeper note for married couples:

We can each learn to courageously share our raw emotions. Are you angry, sad, afraid, lonely, or hurt? Emotional intimacy and verbal affirmation are important for romantic connection. As Dan Allender says, “be open, curious, and kind” in your conversations.

When you give your spouse your undivided attention and care, they will feel valued and appreciated—especially when our work, kids, or projects consume our time (most of the time). 

We all have different accelerators and brakes when it comes to sex. It’s a brave endeavor to share what arouses you—or learn what your spouse desires in the bedroom. If you haven’t initiated in a while, you could lovingly initiate a tender kiss, a foot massage, or even risk together—and talk about the hanky-panky you’re each hoping for. 

Here are some fresh ideas to stir up the passion and start a fire that lasts.

1. Men, affirm your lady’s beauty. (Go for inside & out attraction here, fellas).

2. Women, encourage your guy’s strengths. (It helps when you remind us—it’s easy to forget).

3. Try softer kisses and longer hugs. Slow things down or speed things up. 

4. Honor the woman’s need for home and security.

5. Value the man’s need for adventure and novelty.

6. Read poetry together, listen to some Miles Davis, or hold hands in an art museum.

7. Have you looked into your partner’s eyes recently? (Open up your soul through eye contact).

Hope you have some amazing date nights in your near future!

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Blue Holidays - feeling down this year?

A couple years ago, I got flipped off on Christmas Eve. 

True story.

The ill bird lasted about ten seconds. It was a huge “Bah humbug!” from Ebenezer Scrooge himself—piercing through the Christmas cheer like a cold, cruel icicle. Isn’t there a law about giving the middle finger on Christmas Eve?! I thought so.

If you’re continuing to read this, Merry Christmas! 

And if it’s been one of those years, or five… and you’d rather hear, “Have a melancholy Christmas and a depressing New Year!” I could say that too, but that’s the Grinch’s job, and he’s expected to be weird, green and grumpy. 

The Grinch aside…

We can all feel scrooge-like sometimes, and just down-right sad during the holidays. 

Our culture bombards us with cheery Yuletide messages that say we should love egg nog, Christmas wreaths, and act even jollier than the rest of the year. But what if you hate elves and egg nog? Worst of all, what happens when “the most wonderful time of the year” makes you blue? 

December can feel overwhelming with travel, family, and in-laws. And, there’s the dangerous balancing act of budgeting; most of us walk a tight-rope as we make our purchases. And our calendars can feel like a Christmas-clown car overflowing with decorations, plays, pageants, poinsettias, concerts, reindeer, rehearsals, dinners, cards, extra shopping, festivities, and parties.

Not to mention, it’s cold and dark outside, a lot. Unless you grew up in Siberia, no one should get used to living in “Gloomsville” where there’s zero sunshine and bone-chilling wind.

If it’s not a white Christmas this year—but a blue one, you’re not alone. 

The radio constantly plays: “From now on, our troubles will be out of sight”—yet, sometimes our problems can feel more real than the hand-carved nativity scene on the mantle. For those of us who have experienced depression before—we get it. And it can feel severely shameful and isolating when the only message we hear is to “just cheer-up, Charlie.”

The sobering truth is, a lot of us are in the midst of grief, tragedy, fear, despair, and broken dreams this year. Or maybe it’s the continual agony of loneliness, or the trauma of a chronic sickness, betrayal, death, or divorce in the family. Our unwelcome guests called Pain and Suffering don’t seem to care that it’s Christmas time.

So, let’s try and make a little more sense of the Christmas blues we tend to experience. There are biological, psychological, social, and spiritual things to consider. 

Could seasonal depression be a part of the problem? 

Yes, indeed.

As a mental health professional, I want to validate that seasonal depression or the “winter blues” is experienced by an estimated 10 million Americans each year. (It is less prevalent in geographical locations closer to the equator) but even mild symptoms can accumulate during the winter months where sunshine is lacking.

Some specific symptoms for Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) may include: hopelessness, low energy, wanting to sleep more, overeating, weight gain, craving carbohydrates, irritability, and social withdrawal (or you may feel like “hibernating”).

You may not be a complete grinch after all—these biological factors are real and can explain some of our melancholy behaviors this time of year.

Individuals with symptoms of SAD may have trouble regulating serotonin (the neurotransmitter involved in mood regulation), produce less Vitamin D throughout the winter months (which is believed to be involved in serotonin production), and/or overproduce melatonin (the hormone that helps with our sleep cycle).

How do we make the holidays less blue?

Not everyone who feels depressed during winter should be diagnosed with SAD, but as one who deals with some mild symptoms myself, here are a few tips to improve your mood:

1. Get outside & exercise. It’s amazing what a walk, bike ride, or jog can do. When you’re exercising consistently it helps. Even if you have to put on a few extra layers and some gloves, get outside! Think about how to increase your exposure to natural light throughout the day. 

2. Eat healthier meals. You don’t have to cut out carbs completely (have a sugar cookie and enjoy your Grandmother’s home cookin’—by golly, it’s Christmas time), but a consistent, balanced diet of fresh fruits and vegetables will keep you from feeling too lazy and lethargic.

3. Evaluate your thinking. It’s easy to look at the glass half empty, especially when you’re lonely or hurting—how we think is crucial. Are you constantly thinking negative thoughts throughout the day or is optimism a part of your mind’s playlist? 

Aaron Beck, a cognitive theorist and researcher, developed the concept of the “cognitive triad” when working with depression. He noted that depressed individuals tend to have a critical or negative view of self, the world, and the future. Learn to strengthen your thought muscles.

4. Slow down and write. I’m a huge advocate of journaling! Get your negative thoughts and feelings out on paper, and chances are your emotions will more easily shift toward gratitude as well. Numbing out or refusing to acknowledge your feelings can keep you stuck in “Blahs-ville.” So, get honest about your problems and try penning a few thankful thoughts too. 

5. Balance alone time and party time. Take care of yourself. Get adequate sleep and say, “No!” to the things you really can’t do this year. And when you do say yes to the party or “get-together”—you’ll enjoy yourself more.

Make room to grieve together this year. We all handle despairing times differently—but if you’re truly lonely, isolating yourself is probably not the answer. Risk, pick up the phone, and schedule a coffee or lunch date with a trusted friend.

6. Consider seeing a Mental Health Professional. Psychology Today notes that SAD treatment can typically include “combinations of antidepressant medication, light therapy, Vitamin D, and counseling.” Other recommendations can be found here from Everyday Health—or from Psychiatric Advisor here.

7. Drink hot chocolate. Seriously, make yourself a frothy cup or two.

8. Explore your longings and give spiritual significance to the season. For those of us who believe in God, and more specifically in Jesus. Celebrating the miracle of his birth is a deep reminder that our Savior is near. His name is Emmanuel, “God with us.” 

He’s the light of the world, and he knows how to illuminate our “grey days” and comfort us—especially when we’re groaning for the tears and depression to stop. One day they will.

Have a real, authentic Christmas—and I’ll hope for some merry times too!

The Invisible Wounds of Spiritual Abuse

As a former pastor, I am sorry.

I humbly apologize for where I sometimes put my own name and organization before Jesus. And, in my leadership, I am sorry where I inserted too many of my own interpretations and expectations (unknowingly)—sometimes adding extra-biblical “shoulds” to the words of Christ.

I am also very sorry on behalf of many evangelical organizations and “rockstar” pastors who continue to exploit others to put their own name in lights (either knowingly or unknowingly). And finally, I’m deeply sorry for the ministers who put their hope in fog machines, trendy-business books, or fleshly hype to advance the Kingdom.

What has the Church become?

“We now demand glamour and fast flowing dramatic action. A generation of Christians reared among push buttons and automatic machines is impatient of slower and less direct methods of reaching their goals. We have been trying to apply machine-age methods to our relations with God.” —A.W. Tozer

Tozer penned these words decades ago in his book The Pursuit of God. Today, many “machine-age" pastors could be characterized as fame-hungry, ego-centric, impersonal, and too fast-paced to go after the “one lost sheep.” And countless churches have adopted: unrealistic business growth strategies, manipulative marketing practices, and skewed theologies to push organizational agendas. Worst of all, many leaders have resorted to the subtle (or significant) acts of bullying, shaming, coercion, exploitation, elitism, and control to get it all done “for Jesus"—and to get it done bigger and faster. 

The time has come for me to speak—no more silence. 

This post is for all of us, (and we are many) who have suffered great pain from these forms of spiritual abuse. In the words of Richard Rohr, we pray for God to transform our pain, so that it will not be transmitted to others (as to make matters worse). And to clarify: talking about our pain is not bitterness. When you tell the doctor about your symptoms and how they got there—it doesn’t make you a bad patient, it makes you an honest one. 

So here’s to being both honest and honoring: we are bruised, sad, angry, confused, depressed, and empty. We are tired of being shamed, judged, disregarded, and avoided. The spiritual abuse must stop; no more.  

Some leaders have completely out-run Jesus.

Many pastors believe they must continually take things to the “next level” to compete with the church across the street or uphold grandiose goals they have set for their particular brand of church. Numerous ministers in this environment are on the brink of burnout. There is obsessive talk over future “breakthroughs” and “revivals”—almost like a religious tower of Babel is being built in our very own backyard to make a name for someone other than Jesus. The fleshly striving and straining is building the Bride (the church) further away from the Cornerstone (Jesus himself). Marriages, families, and friendships (the true ‘relational’ bricks of the Kingdom) are set aside and overlooked, with strategy and growth often emphasized. The fallout is vast, with exceedingly more on the way, unless drastic changes are made.

Relationships have crumbled, and our wounds hide in the unseen places of the heart. 

It could be in the loving, gentle, and protective hands of church leadership, where spiritual abuse is called out, taught against, as well as, policies and accountability structures put in place to protect the sheep. Instead, a lot of times pushy, harsh, and arrogant leadership is celebrated. And many times it’s even grown and perpetuated—like the church has become a toxic green house where bruised sheep are threatened to remain.

In his book, Healing Spiritual Abuse, Ken Blue writes: "If leaders constantly root their authority in an office rather than in servanthood, if they do everything for show, if they demand special privilege or titles, if they use words deceitfully, if they major on minors to the neglect of real pastoral needs, and if this behavior tears people down rather than build them up, then such leaders must be confronted and changed—or abandoned” (p. 99). 

What is spiritual abuse?

Spiritual abuse is real—and it is wrong, no more excuses. It is a form of psychological and emotional abuse that creates an avalanche of relational dysfunction. Over time individuals may feel: controlled or brainwashed from “group-think,” develop people-pleasing behaviors, experience toxic co-dependency or extreme ministry burnout, or undergo life-changing turmoil in their primary relationships. Johnson and VanVonderen (1991) discuss spiritual abuse as “a real phenomenon that actually happens in the body of Christ” and that “it is a subtle trap in which the ones who perpetrate spiritual abuse on others are just as trapped in their unhealthy beliefs and actions as those whom they, knowingly or unknowingly, abuse” (p. 16).

Other symptoms may include serious mental health concerns like: severe depression, anxiety, panic attacks, or suicidal ideation (the list goes on). Many report small ’t’ trauma-like symptoms, and feel unsure of their faith; they are hoping to know a God of kindness who doesn’t mistreat them or whip them into shape. Childers (2012) notes that “experiences of spiritual abuse appear to resemble most closely those of violent domestic relationships” and that in both situations the expressions of abuse “tend to include verbal abuse, emotional abuse, isolation, control and thought reform” (p. 37). And the devastation is significant to our self-identity, closest relationships, and even our personal faith in God.

Furthermore, David Ward (2011) notes that: “Spiritual abuse is a misuse of power in a spiritual context whereby spiritual authority is distorted to the detriment of those under its leadership. It is a multifaceted and multilayered experience that includes acts of commission and omission, aimed at producing conformity. It is both process and event, influencing one’s inner and outer worlds and has the potential to affect the biological, psychological, social, and spiritual domains of the individual” (p. 913).

What does it really look like?

A few concrete examples may include: a leader who “prays their own agenda” over members during prayer times—suggesting that the individual stay faithful in the ministry to “work harder and serve longer.” (I hear God telling me that you’ll have a big small group one day if you just stay faithful). In many instances these “prophetic words” are interpreted as “words or pictures from God,” and may significantly hinder the individual’s ability to separate their own thoughts, emotions, and decisions from what their leader is telling them. 

Some spiritually abusive leaders may subtlety encourage chronically ill individuals to “just trust God” and not seek medical help, or to give “above and beyond” financially so they can “receive a blessing.”  Others may suggest that certain professions are “more holy” than others—suggesting that ministry or church-planting is a “higher” calling than other vocations.

How is it different than other forms of abuse?

What makes spiritual abuse unique, is that it can put people at odds with their best Friend (God). When church leaders who represent Jesus, inflict harm, exploit, or manipulate others under their care, it becomes difficult to separate the dirty and the clean laundry (so to speak). Individuals might ask, “What’s real? What is God really like? Is God a dictator? Is Jesus manipulative? Will he take advantage of me?” The uncertainty can be overwhelming and the doubt exhausting.  

The injured sheep may carry “distorted pictures of God and self, have difficulty trusting those in authority, and experience problems understanding and accepting grace”—furthermore, “they have had so much pressure to not talk about their experience, they feel alone, even crazy” (Johnson & VanVonderen, 1991, p. 40).

The misuse of spiritual authority is age-old; the abuse is nothing new.

“Jesus himself collided with the problem” (Johnson & VanVonderen, 1991, p. 29). In Scripture, Christ alluded to the way the Pharisees mistreated people during biblical times saying, “They tie up heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on people's shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to move them with their finger” (Matthew 23:4).  

Jesus made things simple; he fulfilled the law with his life and his message was to love God wholeheartedly and love your neighbor as you love your self. His ministry was clean, gentle, loving, and humble. He never manipulated, forced, exploited, or controlled his sheep. He was truthful, yet full of grace; when Jesus confronted the Pharisees it was often about their legalism, pride, or hypocrisy.

Ezeikel 34 has something to say about Israel’s so-called ‘shepherds’ who were hurting God’s people: “Ah, shepherds of Israel who have been feeding yourselves! Should not shepherds feed the sheep? You eat the fat, you clothe yourselves with the wool, you slaughter the fat ones, but you do not feed the sheep. The weak you have not strengthened, the sick you have not healed, the injured you have not bound up, the strayed you have not brought back, the lost you have not sought, and with force and harshness you have ruled them. So they were scattered…”

There is so much pain—we want to heal.

For those of us who have been hurt by a church group, a religious leader, a small group leader, a friend, or maybe a parent in the “name of God”—it takes a long time to trust again. We are confused about what to do and where to go. And many times our relationship with God is so significantly damaged, (that when we finally wake up to the abusive culture all around us) we may need months or years to reclaim our faith. We are praying for the shepherds to humble themselves and sober up to the hidden addictions of pride and arrogance.

The disciple-making of Jesus was full of meekness and love; he is the Good Shepherd. The scattered sheep are looking for that kind of approachable, safe leadership reflected in the pulpit. 1 Peter 5:2-3 exhorts church leaders in a powerful way: “shepherd the flock of God that is among you, exercising oversight, not under compulsion, but willingly, as God would have you; not for shameful gain, but eagerly; not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock.”

In the meantime, we pray for restoration. Many of us have wept over these hurts and broken relationships—and, we continue to deeply hope for wholeness and healing on the journey. 

May we all learn from Jesus. He is the safest one.