What does it mean to be triggered, and what’s the big deal about trauma?
How do we define spiritual abuse?
“Spiritual abuse is coercion and control of one individual by another in a spiritual context. The target experiences spiritual abuse as a deeply emotional personal attack. This abuse may include: manipulation and exploitation, enforced accountability, censorship of decision making, requirements for secrecy and silence, pressure to conform, misuse of scripture or the pulpit to control behaviour, requirement of obedience to the abuser, the suggestion that the abuser has a ‘divine’ position, isolation from others, especially those external to the abusive context.” (Oakley, L.RR., & Kinmond, K. S. (2013) - Breaking the silence on spiritual abuse. Palgrave McMillan).
My first podcast interview!
I've always wanted to do a podcast, and it finally happened!
It was an honor to be on the Practice of Therapy Podcast with Gordan Brewer. We discussed some important topics like faith-based counseling, caring for pastors and ministers, knowing yourself well, real connections, and the integration of spirituality in the therapy office.
Take a listen here on the Practice of Therapy Podcast.
Our Emotional Dashboard
The "attention brake light" showed up on my dashboard. It was a foolish-teenager type mistake, but I ignored it and kept driving. In fact, I piloted my 6000 STE Pontiac around for weeks, until my brakes eventually went out. I was completely surprised, not to mention horrified, when I couldn't stop.
My car should have been totaled or worse! Luckily, I walked away safe, and learned to: always pay attention to the alerts on my dash.
Our emotions are like alerts on the dashboard. We may need a quick oil change, but unless we pop the hood when the red light is flashing, we could put ourselves (or others) at risk. We may not experience the effects of ignoring our emotions immediately, but we can suffer real consequences in our bodies, minds, souls, and relationships--weeks, months, or even years later.
Emotions don't just go away, they keep blinking
We override our feelings too fast with trite phrases like, "Just don't worry about it," "God's in control!" or "Everything happens for a reason." Maybe we're genuinely trying to trust God or help someone else when we say these things, but these mantras can become spiritual bypasses we use to ignore our painful past or present reality.
All humans get afraid; we feel insecure, hurt, angry, and anxious. Maybe we feel them all at once or maybe we're worn down from pain. I'm not suggesting we explode everywhere, or talk about every little paper cut, but stuffing our emotions won't work either.
Here's what I mean. There is an expression we often hear after seeing an incredible sunset, good film, or concert: "I was so moved by that!"
Is there something happening in your inner world that makes you want to shout, cuss, punch a wall, or run for local office? Whether your experiences are good, sad, or ugly... they are moving you somewhere.
For example, when you feel lonely do you move more toward isolation and self-pity or authentic connection with others? With hurt, do you move more toward numbing your pain or acknowledging it out loud with trusted friends? If we deny our emotional world a place to exist, that denial can drive us toward addiction, depression, or despair.
Here are a few thoughts on how you can start tuning in to your emotions
1. Slow down. Leave your "to do list" alone and connect to your heart. Unplug from media and take a long walk. Turn your phone off and go for a scenic drive with the radio off. Or find a beautiful place in nature where your soul can breathe.
2. Get acquainted with your different emotions; there's more to feel than happy or unhappy. That's a huge start! A lot of times, if we name it (what we're feeling) we can more easily tame it. You could google "emotional wheel images" and expand your emotional vocabulary. Also, Chip Dodd has some incredible thoughts on his website that communicate the benefits (or gifts) of our eight core emotions.
3. For me, it helps to explore my feelings through journaling. Sometimes I feel emotionally constipated (can I type that? Just did...) and I don't know what the heck I'm feeling. You could write out a list of emotions and confront yourself on a blank page. Okay, self? Am I lonely, mad, sad, glad, shameful, guilty, hurt, or fearful? It can be scary to share honestly (with God and others) about your feelings, but our vulnerability can lead to genuine hope, healing, and build relationships that last.
4. Think about doing a few sessions with a trusted counselor. If you've not done counseling, put it on your bucket list. There are some incredible therapists who are trained to explore these kinds of things. (And to be real, seeing a counselor myself, has helped me become more emotionally intelligent and relationally whole).
5. And, if you've not seen the movie Inside Out, watch it with your family and talk about it.
What's blinking on the dashboard of your soul?
Real Connection Men's Group
“It is not the shouting of pornography that gives it so much power over men. It is the whispering of the lie of sexual fulfillment that prey on our human insecurities. When men believe those lies, they develop psychological and behavioral habits that prevent relational fulfillment.” (Struthers, 2009 p. 37) from his book Wired for Intimacy.
We all have sexual brokenness, and it can be challenging to find the right place to heal. Starting the Fall of 2018, I will facilitate a counseling group with Dr. David Hall at Haven Family Psychiatry. This is a professional therapy group for up to eight men who are dealing with pornography and/or sex addiction. We want to provide a safe place to dialogue about healthy sexuality, help restore broken relationships, and offer hope for each man's unique journey.
For more details, click here.
Top Ten Signs of Emotionally Unhealthy Spirituality
1. Using God to run from God
2. Ignoring the emotions of anger, sadness, and fear
3. Dying to the wrong things
4. Denying the past’s impact on the present
5. Dividing our lives into “secular”&“sacred” compartments
6. Doing for God instead of being with God
7. Spiritualizing away conflict
8. Covering over brokenness, weakness, and failure
9. Living without limits
10. Judging other people’s spiritual journey
Read more about these concepts in Peter Scazerro's book: Emotionally Healthy Spirituality.
REAL-ationships
We are hurting. We are lonely. We are isolated. We are, for the most part, fairly un-connected. Not everyone relates to this... but many of us have plenty of friends and followers on social media, yet we're mostly unsatisfied in our relationships. Why?
We were made for real connection; humans were intricately designed to connect face to face... with our eyes, ears, and hearts intentionally engaged with someone else. I promise this isn't an anti-smartphone post, but almost.
For me, when I'm lonely, anxious, depressed, or confused, sitting eye-to-eye with a trustworthy person helps. Sometimes that's hard to find. Do you have someone that you can really talk to face-to-face? Book clubs, yoga classes, small-groups, rec sports, coffee shops, and work-out facilities can be a starting ground for connection, but all too often we remain hidden and insulated... avoiding REAL-ationships though people are all around us.
In our interactions, it sometimes feels like our eyes are glazed over like a lonely piece of pottery (like this Toby Mug in my office). Do we want something more real? How can we change? It is important to talk openly and authentically about our joys, pains, addictions, fears, disappointments, grief, and shame. Are we reaching out? It takes courage to find real connection with another living, breathing human being... and it is often times a huge part of the healing, restoration, and transformation we are after. As I continue to learn what it means to be an effective counselor, I am inspired by what Mary Pipher says in Letters to a Young Therapist, "What really works in therapy is a real person connecting to a real person."
If we are going to survive the smartphone age, we need to beef up our "real connection" muscles. In our families, marriages, friendships, and workplaces... it can start with a question: "How are you, really?" or "Do you want to talk?". It is a risk, but it's entirely worth the connection.
New Office!
Building IKEA bookshelves may take longer than you think, especially when you put things on backwards. Oops. Nonetheless, my office is almost done, and I'm honored to be a part of the team. You can book an appointment with me at Haven Family Psychiatry.
Graduation Station
I am excited to graduate in May 2018 from Richmont Graduate University! It has been a three-year journey, and my car has a few extra miles on her (driving to-and-fro from Chattanooga and Knoxville), but this journey has been extremely rich for me.
I love sitting with people in their pain, confusion, and relational difficulties. I'm excited to see where God takes me. There is such a need for a safe and professional counseling environment.
I want to help provide hope, healing, and restoration where people need it.
Here we go!
Richmont Graduate University - 2018 (Chattanooga Cohort).