Is Self-care Selfish? Balancing work, me, and all the rest.

Most of us are busy.

We work a lot.

Our alarm sounds, we pour the coffee, and then… 

We’re off—like a wild horse in the Kentucky Derby. And, for the foreseeable future, our calendar is an overstuffed suitcase we can’t get closed.

Why consider self-care?

The basic, universal responsibilities at home are: laundry, groceries, sleep, and dishes (wink-wink). And as if that didn’t take long enough…

There’s the brushing of teeth (flossing if we’re lucky), a date night (if we remember)—and not to mention, the ever-growing complexities of family, kids, friendships, work, church, school, marriage, extra-curricular activities, and committee meetings.

I don’t know about you, but at the end of the week, I’m wiped out.

In 2014, a national Gallup poll put the average American work week at 47 hours per week. That’s about 9 and 1/2 hours per day (with overtime adding up on the weekends through constant emails, texts, and calls—easily putting us over 50 hrs). 

For the sake of dreaming, what if we had an extra day on the weekends? We could call it Fun-day or My-day (with no work allowed)—where we could sleep in, spend more time with family, or enjoy an old hobby again. We can dream…

Is self-care selfish?

It can be a controversial question (especially among certain religious circles or companies, where people are encouraged to burn the candle at both ends and work unrealistic hours). 

But, the short answer is: “No! It is not!” Maybe it could be wrong, self-centered, and egotistical if you lived on a yacht year round—playing Candy Crush all day.

Good self-care (the kind I’m talking about) is not about indulging in laziness or luxury. It’s about learning healthy rhythms of work, rest, and refreshment. Obviously, a little extra grit in the office is necessary, and should not be abandoned. And serving others isn’t just for Mother Teresa, Jesus, or the eager social worker.

We can engage in significant tasks and still cultivate margin in our lives.

Ruth Haley Barton, author of Sacred Rhythms, admonishes us to know the difference between a good tired and a “dangerously tired.” And furthermore, she says, “As we learn to care for and honor our bodies as a spiritual practice, we begin to sense God’s goodness and presence in and through our bodies. We are energized for the spiritual journey and for service to others.” 

Our limitations are important to acknowledge. We need boundaries in our relationships, jobs, and schedules. What’s okay and what’s not? If we’re constantly sleepy, unmotivated, or feeling empty—we may need to tweak our bed-time routines, commitments, and good intentions.

Parker Palmer encourages us that, “Self-care is never a selfish act—it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others.”

Seriously ask yourself, “Where am I making time for me?”

For the majority of us, we’ve forgotten to put “me-time” in our schedules. Dr. Karyl McBride notes in her article on self-care that, “If we are filling our own emotional tanks with self-respect and loving care, we have much more to give to our families, friends, and the world in general.” 

How can we give more attention to our own wellbeing? The physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and relational aspects of our life matter. 

Here are few practical thoughts on self-care…

1. Get outside and do something tangible. Find a place that’s beautiful and peaceful—go there. Enjoy a hike, bike ride, or sit in the grass with your shoes off. Pick up a pen and write something or draw. Get some perspective by getting out—it can help you hit the reset button. 

2. Rest your mind from media. Try logging out of your social media accounts for a while. Scrolling can seem restful at the time, but not for the soul. Maybe explore screen time limitations on your computer or phone (teenagers need this, but adults can be compulsive too). TV moderation can be a good start for body-mind-soul rejuvenation. Novelist Anne Lamott reminds us that, “Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.”

3. Take time to feel your emotions. Give attention to your feelings. Let your heart breathe. Listen to music that will pluck your heart strings, or write a few *#^$%# words in your journal—let’s be honest, there can be a lot of horrific stuff inside of us that needs to get out. Scream in a pillow or cry on the back porch. (Look at my previous article about our emotional dashboard here).

4. Meditation and mindfulness. Wake up before the birds, and see the world come alive. Stay up late and gaze at the stars. Pick up a flower, a piece of bark, or a blade of grass and experience it slowly—let your senses notice all the small details. Read the Psalms (If you believe in Jesus—and remember how real and honest you’re allowed to be in his presence).

5. Get a massage, haircut, or pedicure. Relax your muscles. Find a new haircut. And for those of you who need a pedicure or manicure—put it in your schedule and enjoy.

6. Spend time with friends. Get a game night on the calendar. Laugh until you cry. Do something that will cultivate real connection in your life. Who ya gonna call?!

7. Take a day off. Your homework or the workplace can make it without you for a day. Seriously. Put in a request this week to NOT work. A “refreshed you” will probably work harder next week anyway. Cash it in—it will pay off.

Happy self-caring!

Blue Holidays - feeling down this year?

A couple years ago, I got flipped off on Christmas Eve. 

True story.

The ill bird lasted about ten seconds. It was a huge “Bah humbug!” from Ebenezer Scrooge himself—piercing through the Christmas cheer like a cold, cruel icicle. Isn’t there a law about giving the middle finger on Christmas Eve?! I thought so.

If you’re continuing to read this, Merry Christmas! 

And if it’s been one of those years, or five… and you’d rather hear, “Have a melancholy Christmas and a depressing New Year!” I could say that too, but that’s the Grinch’s job, and he’s expected to be weird, green and grumpy. 

The Grinch aside…

We can all feel scrooge-like sometimes, and just down-right sad during the holidays. 

Our culture bombards us with cheery Yuletide messages that say we should love egg nog, Christmas wreaths, and act even jollier than the rest of the year. But what if you hate elves and egg nog? Worst of all, what happens when “the most wonderful time of the year” makes you blue? 

December can feel overwhelming with travel, family, and in-laws. And, there’s the dangerous balancing act of budgeting; most of us walk a tight-rope as we make our purchases. And our calendars can feel like a Christmas-clown car overflowing with decorations, plays, pageants, poinsettias, concerts, reindeer, rehearsals, dinners, cards, extra shopping, festivities, and parties.

Not to mention, it’s cold and dark outside, a lot. Unless you grew up in Siberia, no one should get used to living in “Gloomsville” where there’s zero sunshine and bone-chilling wind.

If it’s not a white Christmas this year—but a blue one, you’re not alone. 

The radio constantly plays: “From now on, our troubles will be out of sight”—yet, sometimes our problems can feel more real than the hand-carved nativity scene on the mantle. For those of us who have experienced depression before—we get it. And it can feel severely shameful and isolating when the only message we hear is to “just cheer-up, Charlie.”

The sobering truth is, a lot of us are in the midst of grief, tragedy, fear, despair, and broken dreams this year. Or maybe it’s the continual agony of loneliness, or the trauma of a chronic sickness, betrayal, death, or divorce in the family. Our unwelcome guests called Pain and Suffering don’t seem to care that it’s Christmas time.

So, let’s try and make a little more sense of the Christmas blues we tend to experience. There are biological, psychological, social, and spiritual things to consider. 

Could seasonal depression be a part of the problem? 

Yes, indeed.

As a mental health professional, I want to validate that seasonal depression or the “winter blues” is experienced by an estimated 10 million Americans each year. (It is less prevalent in geographical locations closer to the equator) but even mild symptoms can accumulate during the winter months where sunshine is lacking.

Some specific symptoms for Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) may include: hopelessness, low energy, wanting to sleep more, overeating, weight gain, craving carbohydrates, irritability, and social withdrawal (or you may feel like “hibernating”).

You may not be a complete grinch after all—these biological factors are real and can explain some of our melancholy behaviors this time of year.

Individuals with symptoms of SAD may have trouble regulating serotonin (the neurotransmitter involved in mood regulation), produce less Vitamin D throughout the winter months (which is believed to be involved in serotonin production), and/or overproduce melatonin (the hormone that helps with our sleep cycle).

How do we make the holidays less blue?

Not everyone who feels depressed during winter should be diagnosed with SAD, but as one who deals with some mild symptoms myself, here are a few tips to improve your mood:

1. Get outside & exercise. It’s amazing what a walk, bike ride, or jog can do. When you’re exercising consistently it helps. Even if you have to put on a few extra layers and some gloves, get outside! Think about how to increase your exposure to natural light throughout the day. 

2. Eat healthier meals. You don’t have to cut out carbs completely (have a sugar cookie and enjoy your Grandmother’s home cookin’—by golly, it’s Christmas time), but a consistent, balanced diet of fresh fruits and vegetables will keep you from feeling too lazy and lethargic.

3. Evaluate your thinking. It’s easy to look at the glass half empty, especially when you’re lonely or hurting—how we think is crucial. Are you constantly thinking negative thoughts throughout the day or is optimism a part of your mind’s playlist? 

Aaron Beck, a cognitive theorist and researcher, developed the concept of the “cognitive triad” when working with depression. He noted that depressed individuals tend to have a critical or negative view of self, the world, and the future. Learn to strengthen your thought muscles.

4. Slow down and write. I’m a huge advocate of journaling! Get your negative thoughts and feelings out on paper, and chances are your emotions will more easily shift toward gratitude as well. Numbing out or refusing to acknowledge your feelings can keep you stuck in “Blahs-ville.” So, get honest about your problems and try penning a few thankful thoughts too. 

5. Balance alone time and party time. Take care of yourself. Get adequate sleep and say, “No!” to the things you really can’t do this year. And when you do say yes to the party or “get-together”—you’ll enjoy yourself more.

Make room to grieve together this year. We all handle despairing times differently—but if you’re truly lonely, isolating yourself is probably not the answer. Risk, pick up the phone, and schedule a coffee or lunch date with a trusted friend.

6. Consider seeing a Mental Health Professional. Psychology Today notes that SAD treatment can typically include “combinations of antidepressant medication, light therapy, Vitamin D, and counseling.” Other recommendations can be found here from Everyday Health—or from Psychiatric Advisor here.

7. Drink hot chocolate. Seriously, make yourself a frothy cup or two.

8. Explore your longings and give spiritual significance to the season. For those of us who believe in God, and more specifically in Jesus. Celebrating the miracle of his birth is a deep reminder that our Savior is near. His name is Emmanuel, “God with us.” 

He’s the light of the world, and he knows how to illuminate our “grey days” and comfort us—especially when we’re groaning for the tears and depression to stop. One day they will.

Have a real, authentic Christmas—and I’ll hope for some merry times too!

My first podcast interview!

I've always wanted to do a podcast, and it finally happened!

It was an honor to be on the Practice of Therapy Podcast with Gordan Brewer. We discussed some important topics like faith-based counseling, caring for pastors and ministers, knowing yourself well, real connections, and the integration of spirituality in the therapy office.

Take a listen here on the Practice of Therapy Podcast. 

Our Emotional Dashboard

The "attention brake light" showed up on my dashboard. It was a foolish-teenager type mistake, but I ignored it and kept driving. In fact, I piloted my 6000 STE Pontiac around for weeks, until my brakes eventually went out. I was completely surprised, not to mention horrified, when I couldn't stop.

My car should have been totaled or worse! Luckily, I walked away safe, and learned to: always pay attention to the alerts on my dash. 

Our emotions are like alerts on the dashboard. We may need a quick oil change, but unless we pop the hood when the red light is flashing, we could put ourselves (or others) at risk. We may not experience the effects of ignoring our emotions immediately, but we can suffer real consequences in our bodies, minds, souls, and relationships--weeks, months, or even years later. 

Emotions don't just go away, they keep blinking

We override our feelings too fast with trite phrases like, "Just don't worry about it," "God's in control!" or "Everything happens for a reason." Maybe we're genuinely trying to trust God or help someone else when we say these things, but these mantras can become spiritual bypasses we use to ignore our painful past or present reality.

All humans get afraid; we feel insecure, hurt, angry, and anxious. Maybe we feel them all at once or maybe we're worn down from pain. I'm not suggesting we explode everywhere, or talk about every little paper cut, but stuffing our emotions won't work either.

Here's what I mean. There is an expression we often hear after seeing an incredible sunset, good film, or concert: "I was so moved by that!" 

Is there something happening in your inner world that makes you want to shout, cuss, punch a wall, or run for local office? Whether your experiences are good, sad, or ugly... they are moving you somewhere.

For example, when you feel lonely do you move more toward isolation and self-pity or authentic connection with others? With hurt, do you move more toward numbing your pain or acknowledging it out loud with trusted friends? If we deny our emotional world a place to exist, that denial can drive us toward addiction, depression, or despair. 

Here are a few thoughts on how you can start tuning in to your emotions

1. Slow down. Leave your "to do list" alone and connect to your heart. Unplug from media and take a long walk. Turn your phone off and go for a scenic drive with the radio off. Or find a beautiful place in nature where your soul can breathe. 

2. Get acquainted with your different emotions; there's more to feel than happy or unhappy. That's a huge start! A lot of times, if we name it (what we're feeling) we can more easily tame it. You could google "emotional wheel images" and expand your emotional vocabulary. Also, Chip Dodd has some incredible thoughts on his website that communicate the benefits (or gifts) of our eight core emotions. 

3. For me, it helps to explore my feelings through journaling. Sometimes I feel emotionally constipated (can I type that? Just did...) and I don't know what the heck I'm feeling. You could write out a list of emotions and confront yourself on a blank page. Okay, self? Am I lonely, mad, sad, glad, shameful, guilty, hurt, or fearful? It can be scary to share honestly (with God and others) about your feelings, but our vulnerability can lead to genuine hope, healing, and build relationships that last.

4. Think about doing a few sessions with a trusted counselor. If you've not done counseling, put it on your bucket list. There are some incredible therapists who are trained to explore these kinds of things. (And to be real, seeing a counselor myself, has helped me become more emotionally intelligent and relationally whole).

5. And, if you've not seen the movie Inside Out, watch it with your family and talk about it.

What's blinking on the dashboard of your soul?